It’s Not About Gwyneth Paltrow
(It’s Not Even About Katherine Woodward Thomas)
—- and there is nothing new under the sun
— Kohelet 1:9
‘Conscious Uncoupling’ is not a new concept. Twenty years ago Constance Ahrons, in her book The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, told the following anecdote:
We also have writer Kati Marton and ABC News anchor Peter Jennings, who give us an example of a tasteful way to announce a divorce. “After fifteen years of marriage and two children, writer Kati Marton and ABC News anchor Peter Jennings have separated. This action was taken ‘with great sadness on both parts.’ Marton and Jennings have asked us to stress that there is no third party involved on either side.” (p61)
Ten years ago, in her follow up study, We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About their Parents’ Divorce, Dr. Ahrons noted the following six steps for fostering resilience in children post-divorce (pg.193):
- Be supportive and nurturing.
- Don’t involve the kids in your conflicts.
- Both parents stay involved in their children’s lives.
- Respect each other’s rights as parents.
- Communicate with each other about the children’s needs.
- Provide a stable and secure family environment.
Yes, divorce has gotten a bad rap, and a discussion on how best to have a non-toxic divorce is well worth having, but it, too, is not a new idea. The common misconception that divorce needs to be bitter and contentious is still very much alive. The possibility that divorced spouses can actually cooperatively co-parent, despite numerous positive examples, is for many people still a novel one, but the D-word is not the F-word. One can only hope that in some not too distant future, approaching the divorce process as a conscientious adult would be the norm.
Most people are able to manage their divorce transition just fine on their own. For those who struggle, these are some of the places they may get stuck:
- The Emotional Divorce – It is necessary to address the Emotional Divorce before there can be any hope of a cooperative negotiated/mediated legal/financial/custody divorce.
- We’re Still Family – Cooperative co-parents manage disagreements by keeping them private, setting limits and focusing only on what is essential.
- Divorced Parents – Intact Families – Divorce ends a relationship, but not a family. Spouses divorce each other, but they do not divorce their children.
- The Binuclear Family - Co-parents in a post-divorce family must show a willingness to maintain financial responsibilities, continue parental contact with their ex-spouse, and support contact of children with their ex-spouse and his or her family.
- The Post-Divorce Couple – Divorce is a process, not an event. After the legal documents are signed and filed, after the custody and financial arrangements are agreed to, after the marital residence is sold or title changed, after one or both former partners have established a new home and a new intimate partnership, they still have to relate to each other for the rest of their lives as co-parents of their children.
- Gendered Aspects of Divorce - The Differential Effect on Mothers and Fathers
Everything old is new again. When it comes to giving credit where credit is due, Connie Ahrons, who along with Roy H Rodgers, actually did the research and accumulated the data on this question, presented in Divorced Families: Meeting the Challenge of Divorce and Remarriage, deserves to be at the top of the list.
Finally, we haven’t even begun to address the complexities of the remarried family. Perhaps ‘Conscious Re-Coupling’ would do.
Please share your thoughts and experiences concerning coupling, uncoupling and recoupling, conscious or otherwise, in the “Leave a Reply” box below. To request more information and/or schedule an initial consultation, click here . If you found this post helpful, please don’t keep it a secret. You are encouraged to click on the buttons in the second to the right hand column at the bottom of the page and share this article with your own networks. Looking forward to continuing the conversation.
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Ronald B. Cohen, MD Bowen Family Systems Coach 1 Barstow Road, Suite P-10 Great Neck, NY 11021 (516) 466-7530 RBCohenMD@FamilyFocusedSolutions.com |
